


365

by Maayacola



Category: Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-01
Updated: 2011-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1400260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maayacola/pseuds/Maayacola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jin can’t help but revolve around his own personal sun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	365

Yamapi is waiting for him after he gets through customs. His hair is black, and a little too long, the ends curling on the tops of his shoulders. Expensive Prada sunglasses obscure his eyes, and one hand is in his pocket while the other hand holds a phone up to his ear. He’s talking fast to whoever is on the other end of the line, and his brow is furrowed, as if he’s irritated by the conversation.

He looks up, and his brow smoothes as he sees Jin. “Gotta go,” he says into the phone, and ends the call without waiting for a response. A smile breaks across his face, and all traces of irritation are gone in an instant. 

“BAKANISHI!” 

Jin panics, his eyes darting back and forth around them, making sure no one had noticed them. “Shut up, Pi!” he hisses as he stops in front of him. “We DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT want to be recognized right now.”

Yamapi laughs as he grabs Jin’s bag from him. “What’s the big deal? Another day in the life of an international superstar.” 

Jin adjusts his backpack, trying to make it sit comfortably between his impossibly sore shoulder blades. “One, I’m tired as fuck, and I have a headache that would only, trust me, be exacerbated by fan-girl screams right now. Two, you look like a woman with that awful hair, so there’d totally be a scandal in this week’s Friday, and my manager is pissed enough about my American scandals.”

Yamapi pretends to scowl at him. “I DO NOT look like a woman,” he whines, and then self-consciously tugs at his hair. But it seems he can’t fight the elated grin that spreads across his face like sunshine as he looks at Jin walking next to him. “Forgive me for being excited to see you! I can’t believe you’re HERE, dude. In Japan! It’s been months!”

It has been. Jin conducts a bi-continental life these days, ever since he’d appeared in 47 Ronin and become sort of an overnight sensation. Suddenly, the crowds of Japanese women screaming Jin’s name became crowds of women from every conceivable place, and Jin became an international brand. Jin has 2 managers now, one who picks movie roles and concert venues for him in America, and one who manages the Johnny side of his career, so he doesn’t alienate his fan base in Japan. 

Jin’s here now for his big Japanese comeback, his first Japanese concerts in over a year. He’s going to write all new music for the occasion, and record a new CD—his first full length Japanese CD as a solo artist. 2012, in Johnny’s words, is going to be the Year of Akanishi, and Jin knows with Johnny’s weight behind him, it probably will be. Jin hopes he can live up to it.

“Yeah, it HAS been awhile. It feels so weird to be speaking Japanese,” Jin replies, and then shifts his backpack again. “I’m so happy to be here, though.” 

“So, not that I’m not happy to see you,” Yamapi says, and flashes Jin another ecstatic grin that makes warmth bubble up in his chest, “But WHY are you here? There’s a rumor that you’re starring in a movie with Denzel Washington going around the jimusho.”

Jin rifles through his pockets for a cigarette and his lighter as soon as they exit through the glass doors into the parking lot at Narita airport. “Yeah,” Jin nods absently. “That’s true, actually.” 

Yamapi glances at him sharply. “Wait, seriously?!”

Jin groans when he comes up empty handed. “Yeah, but filming doesn’t start until the end of December.” 

Yamapi hands him a cigarette, and when Jin holds it between his lips, he lights it for him. “So what are you doing here?” he repeats. “Taking a break?”

Jin inhales, filling his lungs with smoke for the first time in 14 hours, and laughs. “As if,” he says, closing his eyes to savor the bitter taste in his mouth. “Johnny’s got me here on a secret project.”

“Secret project?” Yamapi looks intrigued, but he’s trying to be nonchalant in the way he always does when he thinks he might not get what he wants. The last time Jin had seen Yamapi make that face, it was the time he’d asked Jin if he could come to his concert in Seoul. He’d known Jin’s schedule was hectic, and he seemed resigned to being let down. Jin would have gone, but he’d been gearing up to go to Budapest at the time, and hadn’t been able to convince his manager that a two-day trip to Seoul was worth the lost time. 

But Jin doesn’t have to disappoint him now. “Yeah, hush hush, so keep it on the down low, okay? My Japanese comeback is this year. I’ve got like two months to write 12 songs, make a PV, and put together a concert.”

Yamapi’s eyes widen. “Woah, seriously?” Pi looks excited, and Jin thinks his excitement might be contagious. “So you’re here for…the rest of the year?”

Jin beams at Yamapi. “You bet your ass I am,” he quips, and drops his cigarette to the ground, putting it out with his shoe as they walk up to Yamapi’s car. Yamapi pops the trunk, hefting Jin’s big suitcase like it’s nothing. Jin gives a low whistle as he hands over his backpack. “Careful, my laptop’s in there,” he says, and then “Been working out much?” 

Yamapi chuckles, “Well, you know, nothing else to do, since you’re not around much these days. I’m also in a new spy drama, and I have to be shirtless all the time.” He cracks his knuckles, gives Jin his best ‘James Bond’ look, and then closes the trunk. “Mario Kart is pretty boring when your roommate lives in America.”

Jin opens the car door, and plops into the passenger seat as Yamapi climbs into the car on the opposite side. “Dude, you better not have gone into my room. I’ve got secrets in there.”

Yamapi smirks. “I vacuumed in there this morning, for your information, and the only secrets I found were that giant poster of Crystal Kay she signed for you in 2008, and the huge box of Snickers you had Josh ship you when you were forced on that diet when you came back from LA.”

Jin cringes. “Hey, Crystal is smoking hot,” Jin defends, “and diets are for girls!” He pauses. “How’d you know when I got that poster, anyway?”

Shaking his head as he puts the car in reverse, Yamapi is still smiling. “You might have secrets, Jin, but you don’t have secrets from me.”

Jin leans back against the headrest, acknowledging the truth of Pi’s statement with silence. He notices a pack of cigarettes on the dash, and picks them up curiously. “Have you picked up smoking again?” Yamapi hasn’t smoked in years, as far as Jin knows. He still makes a face of mild distaste when Jin lights up in the apartment. 

“Naw, those are for you,” Yamapi says. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to find yours when you got of the plane so I picked up a box of your favorites.”

Jin fingers the package, and his face slides into a lopsided grin. “I missed you,” he says, and Yamapi makes a humming noise in the back of his throat, tapping the steering wheel with his fingers. 

“I missed you too.” He turns to Jin, and lowers his sunglasses down on his nose for just a moment. “Welcome back,” he murmurs, his eyes soft and fond, and Jin feels like he’s come home.

***

 

Living with Yamapi has always been simple for Jin, and he falls into it again as easy as breathing. Jin had worried, on the plane, if the 9 months they had spent apart, with only monthly phone calls and emails to sustain their friendship, would make things awkward and strange, but Yamapi is still his best friend. 

Jin had made a lot of new friends in the U.S., and he feels like his dancers, the Akanishi Crew, had become a little family. Each and every one of them holds a place in his heart, and none of their places were as big as the one Pi had claimed over ten years ago. 

“Get your feet off the table,” Yamapi says as he walked by the living room, not even glancing at Jin as he heads into the kitchen. Jin, who is eating cereal and flipping through sports channels, sheepishly takes his feet off the table.

“How’d you even know?” Jin whines around a giant bite of Lucky Charms. “You didn’t even look at me.”

“You’re predictable,” Pi replies, joining Jin on the couch with a healthy bowl of cornflakes. “How do you even eat that shit first thing in the morning?”

“It’s delicious and nutritious,” Jin says, picking out the marshmallows and eating them first. “And they make my milk turn green!”

“Oh joy,” Yamapi says, and Jin doesn’t mind because Pi’s not a morning person. “Is anything good on?”

Jin keeps pushing the channel button. “Not really.”

Suddenly, Jin sees Yamapi’s face fill the big screen TV he had bought in 2010 for the World Cup. “Dude, it’s your video!”

Yamapi glares at the screen. “Yes, it is. Next.” 

Jin stops flipping channels, and sets his bowl down on the table. All the marshmallows are gone anyway, he thinks, as he rests his head on his hands and leans forward. “Are you wearing shimmery eye shadow?” A laugh is bubbling in Jin’s words, and Yamapi scowls.

“Whatever, you made the Keep the Faith video, so shut the fuck up. And the Real Face video. And the Don’t You Ever Stop video…”

“I was young,” Jin says defensively, “and I have outgrown such flagrant displays of homoeroticism.”

Yamapi snorts. “Yeah whatever. You just wait—you’re back in Japan now, Jin, and Johnny is watching.”

Jin shudders, and then giggles as the camera slowly zooms in on Yamapi’s fluttering eyelashes. “No wonder you’re single,” Jin says, “because this is reaching Voldemort levels of gay.”

“Voldemort?”

“Kamenashi Kazuya,” Jin says, shuddering. “Don’t make me say his name again, we might get caught by the snatchers.”

“Not all of us get to make our own music and choose our own concepts, Jin,” Yamapi says testily. “And Kamenashi is not Voldemort,” he adds as an afterthought, without much conviction. It’s an old argument, anyway.

Jin throws an arm around Pi’s shoulders, and pulls him in, so Yamapi is leaning against Jin’s side, cradling his bowl of cornflakes close to his chest. His hair is in a messy ponytail, tangled from sleep, and his face is set in a miserable little frown. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” Jin whispers into his hair, lips pressed to the crown of Yamapi’s head. “Anyone can see you’re super fucking talented. You don’t need the glitz to shine like a star.”

Yamapi’s frown relaxes, and Jin breathes in. He smells lavender and sandalwood. “Don’t act all gay,” Pi mutters, picking up Jin’s bowl and shrugging out of his embrace. He wanders into the kitchen, and Jin hears the water start. Soon, Jin hears Pi start to hum the tune to the song they just watched. 

“It’s pretty catchy, actually,” Jin calls out, and Yamapi comes to stand in the kitchen doorway, hands on his hips and a bit of soap on his nose. 

“Yeah, well…I DO like what I do,” Yamapi admits, “even if I could live without the makeup.”

Jin stands, and stretches. “Well, I’m off to see the wizard,” Jin says, and walks over to Pi. He reaches a hand to Pi’s nose, and Pi’s eyes cross following the movement. Jin wipes the soap off playfully. “You’re a mess.”

“Have fun meeting with Johnny!” Yamapi says, shoving Jin playfully away from him. “I’m busy today from 2 until whenever I finish shooting, so you’re on your own for dinner.”

“Yeah, okay,” Jin responds, checking his pockets for his cell phone. “I’ll probably meet up with Yuu tonight, anyway.” 

Yamapi sighs and points behind Jin, to the sofa. “On the couch, Bakanishi!”

Jin sees his phone sitting on the arm of the couch, where he’d been playing Angry Birds until just before Pi woke up. “Thanks, bro,” he says, and grins. “See you later.”

“Oh, and Jin,” Pi calls, as Jin sits on the edge of the genkan and laces up his combat boots. 

“Yeah?” Jin leans backward, looking at Pi upside down.

“I’m glad you’re back.” And his smile is warm.

***

Jin has always thought Johnny was one wily son of a bitch—impossible to predict or pin down. Johnny looks a bit Machiavellian in his red leather high-backed chair, fingers steepled like a James Bond villain in front of his face, small eyes watching every motion of Jin’s face. 

“Welcome home, boy,” Johnny says, and Jin feels like a boy, despite the fact that he is 28 years old and all grown up. Johnny makes him feel like he’s still the anxious teenager fighting for his second chance after failing his audition the first time. “You’ve done well.”

Jin’s throat is tight. He’s never been praised by Johnny before, it’s always “Why can’t you be more like Kazuya?” or “Why are you causing me so much trouble, brat?”

“Yes,” Johnny says thoughtfully, his eyebrows furrowed. “Very well, indeed.” He shuffles through some papers on his desk, and not finding what he’s looking for, buzzes his secretary. “Shibata, I need 2 copies of Jin’s timetable and work details.” 

“Yes sir, right away sir,” Shibata answers through the intercom, and her voice sounds thin and nervous. Jin wonders if she is the small, frail woman he saw in the lobby, or if Johnny has surrounded himself with only meek women and small boys. 

About 2 minutes pass, during which Johnny continues to try and stare through Jin, and Jin tries valiantly not to fidget. He really wants a cigarette right now; anything to distract him from Johnny’s intense gaze. 

“I didn’t expect you to be successful, really,” Johnny says, breaking the silence. “But you were causing too many problems with KAT-TUN, and your reputation was going down in flames. It was your last chance, really. But you did it, boy. YOU DID IT. I’m impressed.”

Jin doesn’t move, just listens. Shibata, and it IS the small woman he saw before, comes in with two folders, handing one to Johnny and one to Jin with a nervous smile. 

“That’ll be all, Shibata,” Johnny says, dismissing the fluttering woman from the room. She bows low, and exits. 

“Look at this paper. You have one month to get me twelve songs. One month. Then we record. You have complete artistic freedom—your fans like that about you, and it suits your image, so do what you want. One week later, the board will meet, and we’ll pick the title song from what you’ve prepared. Two days after that, on August 8th, we’ll shoot the PV, which will be released on August 13th, one month after KAT-TUN and three weeks before Kanjani. Am I clear so far?”

“Yes sir,” Jin mumbles, noting the summary timeline at the top of the second page. 

“Alright. Also this month you’ll shoot a guest appearance in Yamashita’s spy drama. We’ll announce your appearance about a week before the episode airs. Until then, I don’t want you seen. Your return to Japan should be kept to your closest friends and family. No night clubs, no hookers, no DRUNK ESCAPADES. Am I clear?”

“Yes sir,” Jin says again, eyes still trained on the paper in front of him.  
“We are going to build hype, but we’re going to do it like the Shinkansen, hard and fast. It’ll be guest appearance, PV drop, CD release, concert tour, over the span of four weeks. And then you might do a drama, I’m not sure yet. We’ll see. Am I clear?”

“Yes sir,” Jin says for the last time, and stands up. He knows when Johnny is finished.

“Jin, I’m serious. If I see you in the paper, if you step one toe out of line, you’ll regret it. It won’t be just a covered up hiatus or study abroad trip.”

Jin bows low in acquiescence, and leaves Johnny’s office.

As he walks through the hallways, passing through familiar hallways, he thinks about his timeline. It’s not impossible, and he’s got five or six half-finished Japanese songs scattered in his notebooks. He’s got two English songs completely finished, but he’ll save those, he thinks, for his next American CD. He feels confident he can have twelve ready before the deadline, and Jin can’t wait to be in the studio again. He wants to call Josh now, and make sure he’s available to help Jin out with the beats. 

Jin wonders if Pi knows about the drama appearance, and grins as he imagines all the mischief the two of them can get up to on set in the three days to a week it takes to film an episode. 

It’s the best meeting Jin’s ever had with Johnny, actually. 

Caught up in his thoughts, Jin doesn’t see the man in front of him until they’ve collided. “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” says the person Jin ran into, and Jin bends over to help pick up all the papers the two of them have managed to drop. “I’m totally spaced out right now,” the man continues, and Jin can barely contain an excited smile. 

“No problem, short stuff,” Jin replies, and Ryo looks up at him, his eyes going wide. 

“Holy fuck, do my eyes deceive me, or is Akanishi Jin standing in front of me?” Ryo looks delighted to see him, and Jin admits to being pleased as well. He holds a finger up to his lips, and Ryo quirks an eyebrow. “Ahh, a secret return to the motherland, is it? Johnny’s a smart old bastard, isn’t he?”

“Free for dinner tonight?” Jin asks Ryo, and Ryo pretends to think about it. 

“Well, I do have a threesome all lined up, but I suppose I can reschedule…” 

“Oh, I didn’t know you, Ueda, and Shige had finally worked that out,” Jin says playfully, and Ryo not-so-playfully punches him in the stomach.

“Meeting Yuu for dinner,” Jin wheezes through a grimace, rubbing a hand over his injury. 

“Oh, is our favorite person, Kamenashi, coming too?” Ryo says, a cold sparkle in his eyes.

“I guess you don’t want to come,” Jin says darkly.

“I’d love to, you asshole,” Ryo replies. “Gotta run right now though, cause I have a meeting.”

“I’ll text you details,” Jin says, “And remember, you never saw me.”

“Got it,” Ryo chirps as he checks his papers. “Everything seems to be in order,” he mumbles. “See you later, dude. Good to see you, Mr. International Superstar.”

Jin blushes; he can’t help it, he still feels shock and disbelief every time he thinks about the rollercoaster that is the last year of his life. “Oh, go on,” he says to the floor, and Ryo laughs and scurries away.

***

They end up ordering takeout, clustered around the table in Yuu’s apartment. 

“Thank god you’re back, Akanishi,” Ryo says around a bite of noodles. “Seriously, it’s been a long year without you.”

Jin feels touched. He had stayed in touch with his friends, but it really wasn’t the same as being face to face with his bros. 

Yuu nods, eating dumplings by peeling the bread off and eating the insides. “That’s sacrilegious,” Jin says, watching the process with fascination. 

Ryo continues. “Maybe Pi will stop acting like someone killed his dog and dragged it through the street while playing Seishun Amigo now.”

Jin looks up. “What, now?”

Yuu grimaces. “Pi’s been a total stick in the mud without you. ‘Where’s Jin?’ or ‘I wish Jin was here!’ or ‘It’s no fun replacing the juniors’ toothpaste with pineapple jelly if Jin’s not here to do a secret gay handshake with me afterwards!’ It’s totally out of hand how gay you guys are.”

Jin grins. “You replaced the juniors’ toothpaste with pineapple jelly?”

“Yeah!” Ryo is excited. “Yuu was visiting me and Pi at a NewS filming, and we just thought ‘Hey, we’ve got jelly, and we’ve got easily excitable juniors! Why not?’”

“The best part was when Massa cried and asked if he was gonna get cavities. Johnny really put the fear of God into that kid.”

“It’s too bad Kiba was allergic to pineapples, otherwise we totally would have gotten away with it.”

“Luckily it was just a mild allergy.”

Jin is on the floor in stitches. He wants to know why Yamapi didn’t tell him about the prank in one of his emails. He texts him.

Hey, heard about pineapple jelly. Why u no share?

Haha, that’s nothing, comes the quick response.

?

Yamapi rapidly texts back. Want to see ur face when I tell you.

Jin grins and looks forward to going home to his best friend.

Ryo nudges him. “On the phone with Pi? Don’t you live with him? Hang out with us!”

Jin grins, and puts his phone away, knowing he has almost 6 months to spend with his best friend in the world. 

***

Jin spends a lot of time writing lyrics. 

He also spends a lot of time baking. He’s not very good at it.

Yamapi comes home one day to the entire kitchen covered and flower, the sweet smell of strawberries, and the sound of Jin singing at the top of his lungs in the shower. 

“Jin, what the fuck?!” Yamapi yells, and Jin stops the shower. He wraps a towel around his waist and scurries to the kitchen. 

“You’re home early,” Jin says nervously, and laughs. “I’m going to clean it up, I swear!” 

Jin’s cell phone alarm goes off, then, and he curses as he attempts to shut off MOLA as it blares at top volume.

“MOLA is your alarm?” Yamapi asks, his face finally blossoming into a smile at a wet Jin standing in the midst of a flour covered kitchen, anxiously fiddling with his phone.

“Only for Yamapi-related things,” Jin replies, and remembers what the alarm is for.

Jin can feel Yamapi’s eyes track him across the room with amusement. “What Yamapi-related thing is this?”

Jin reaches into the oven, and pulls out a molten lava cake, with a huge smile and a loud “ta da!”

“I made you a cake!”

Yamapi collapse to the floor in laughter, surveying the sundered kitchen and Jin’s proud face and Jin can see tears of mirth coming to his eyes.

“Hey, don’t laugh! It’s my ‘congratulations on not getting killed while living with Jin’ cake!” Jin pouts, for effect, and Yamapi, eyes still crinkled and face red, picks himself up off the floor. He looks adorable, Jin thinks, covered in flour and full of life. “So taste it before you laugh!”

Pi walks over to the drawer, and pulls out a giant spoon. “Okay, here I go!”

Jin realizes he’s about to dig directly into the middle of the cake, but before he can protest, Yamapi has scooped up a giant spoonful of cake and shoved it into his mouth. 

Watching Yamapi’s eyes close with pleasure, Jin is filled with delight. “Is it good?”

Pi scrunches up is face. “OISHII!” he yells, and Jin reaches behind him and grabs a fork from the drying rack. 

“Let me help!”

They eat the whole cake, slathering parts of it on each others faces, and later, in the middle of cleaning the kitchen, Jin is struck with inspiration. He careens through the living room, dashing past a sleepy Yamapi on the couch, straight for his notebook .

Jin writes a song, from start to finish—the fastest song he’s written in years.

He calls it Chocolate Love. 

***

Jin and Dom are in Dom’s hotel room, experimenting with beats for Chocolate Love. Jin is explaining the lyrics to Dom in English, and Dom is looking at him bemusedly. “So you want it to sound perky and upbeat?” Dom asks again, remembering all the ‘drunk-in-the-club’ and ‘woe-is-me-I’m-lonely-and-can’t-find-love’ songs he helped Jin with after the Yellow Gold 3011 tour. 

Jin quirks a smile. “Yeah, I know I know, it’s different,” he says, and glances down at the words in front of him. “But it’s real.”

Dom scratches the back of his head. “Do you have a new girlfriend or something?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Jin replies. “I’ve just been feeling…optimistic lately. I don’t know why.”

Dom exhales loudly as he reads through the lyrics. “I dunno, I wrote this kind of stuff last time I was in love.”

“I’m not in love, Dom!”

“Alright, alright, I believe you.”

“Dude, not cool. Bros don’t ask other bros about the L-word.” Jin pulls out a cigarette and lights it. “So hook me up with a phat beat already.”

“Yes, sir,” Dom said, dancing in his seat. 

***

The first 2 weeks Jin is back in Tokyo, Yamapi is incredibly busy. Jin barely sees him, and when he does, Yamapi looks exhausted.

“It’s just, this drama is pretty intense,” Pi say, running hands over his drawn face. “Shooting 9 AM to 2 AM everyday, filming action scene after action scene…it’s the hardest I’ve worked since Kurosagi, honestly.”

“Yeah, you’ve been a ghost!” Jin laughs, and tangles a hand in Pi’s hair, pulling his head down to rest on his shoulder. “Get some sleep, huh?”

“I can’t! I keep,” he yawns, “thinking about the scripts for tomorrow.” His words are lazy, and he purrs as Jin scratches his scalp with fingernails that are just a bit too long. 

“Shhh,” Jin whispers, and Yamapi drifts to sleep on his shoulder. Jin can feel his arm going to sleep, but Pi’s face is the most relaxed Jin has seen it in days. So he shifts a little, so he’s more comfortable on the sofa, and leans his own head on Pi’s, fingers still toying with the long ends of Pi’s hair. “Goodnight,” he murmurs, and joins Pi in slumber.

When he wakes up in the morning at 7AM, with a deep crick in his neck and dreading his first session with his new personal trainer, Pi is already gone. 

But there’s breakfast in the fridge—homemade onigiri and an egg roll omelette. Yamapi had written ‘for fatty’ on the omelette in ketchup. Jin laughs, and eats his breakfast.

His fingers are itching, and he’s thinking of a song. He thinks it’s gonna be called The Little Things.

***  
So far, Jin has managed to avoid being caught by any paparazzi in the 4 weeks since he’s been back in Japan. 

Ryo’s pissed at him for the severe lack of partying, but Jin’s been productive. He only has to write one more song, and then it’s out of his hands and into Johnny’s. He knows that in two weeks he’ll have to leave the house every day, and he’ll be back in the spotlight, but Jin loves the spotlight even has he hates it. He had hated being part of KAT-TUN, despite his respect for the guys and the thrill of being on stage, but he craves the screams of his fans, all chanting ‘Jin, Jin, Jin’ at the top of their lungs. He can’t wait to show them something that’s all him—something that reflects the person he is, and not the role they’d previously tried to shove him into. 

And today, Jin will be seen in public for the first time since his sneaky return. He’d returned here, to Japan, with no bodyguards and no entourage, and he’d laid low, all for the sake of Johnny’s hype machine plans. But now, with the excitement of being officially BACK thrumming in his veins, Jin can’t help but tap his fingers on the kitchen table over and over again.

And it’s driving Yamapi crazy, Jin can tell. “So,” Yamapi says, his voice deceptively calm. “Are you excited about your appearance on Music Fighter today, perhaps?”

“It’s real, I get a real Japanese comeback!” Jin says, and despite his international success, his gold records, his US Billboard chart appearances, and his acting praise, Jin knows that Japan is where he started. It’s his home country, and more than anything, he wants to do his best for the Japanese fans that have always supported him, the ones he knows were let down when he withdrew from KAT-TUN permanently. “I want to show Japan my own music.”

Pi looks at him over the rim of his coffee cup, and finally smiles. “You’ll do it,” he says.

“What?”

“You’re not going to disappoint them, Jin. And I know they can’t wait to see you.”

Jin feels himself filling with warmth, and he beams at Pi across the table. “You’re my best friend. Seriously.”

“You’re my best friend, too. But seriously, if you don’t stop tapping the table I’ll cut your hands off.”

Jin gulps melodramatically, and folds his hands together. “Yes sir, whatever you say sir,” he quips, and Yamapi throws a napkin at his head. Jin laughs and dodges.

“And don’t forget to mention your appearance in my drama, stupid,” Yamapi says, as Jin rinses his cup in the sink and heads for the shower.

“Right, right.”

As Jin laughs and jokes with Aoki Sayaka that afternoon, the Internet lights up with speculation. Johnny’s always been a genius.

***

Dom looks at him, and then back down to the lyrics, and then at the computer, where Jin has mapped out a tentative beginning to a melody for the track. 

“Who are you?”

Jin squirms uncomfortably. “What do you mean?”

“Not a single song about being drunk, sex, or people you hate—I’m worried about you, man,” Dom replies, his mouth twitching with what Jin can’t decide is amusement or BEmusement. 

Jin shrugs. “I’m an ARTIST,” he coughs. “Can’t keep pulling the same tricks,” he adds, as an afterthought.

“That’s true enough,” Dom agrees. “I’m gonna call Josh to help polish this song, though. We need his expertise on this one. Otherwise it’ll be waaaaaay too sappy.”

“What do you mean?” Jin asks, self-conscious.

Dom looks at him incredulously. “Um,” he clears his throat, then looks down at the lyrics sheets. “Every moment I spend with you, even if we’re both sleeping, is a precious gift from above?” Dom translates into English. Jin winces. “You’re my sun, and I revolve around you 365 days a year? Dude, this is a serious sapfest. Don’t get me wrong, it’s AWESOME. Really good shit. Just different. Really different from the old stuff, and Josh will help make the song not sound like Celine Dion.”

Jin, biting his lip, nods. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“What’s up with you, man?”

“I dunno,” Jin says, and he doesn’t.

***

Yamapi’s drama set is fucking awesome. He greets Jin on the first day of shooting his guest appearance with walkie-talkies. They spend about an hour going through hair and make-up toting the devices. 

“This is Agent Red. Agent Mountain, do you copy?”

“Agent Red, this is Agent Mountain, I copy. What’s your status?”

“Agent Mountain, this is Agent Red. I’m in make-up.”

“Agent Red, I’d like a progress report.”

“Agent Mountain, the left eye is lined, but the right eye is still being taken care of—“

“WOULD YOU STOP?” Maki shouts, annoyed. Maki is playing Yamapi’s sister in the drama, and she’s been on slow simmer since Jin and Yamapi had started their antics. “YOU’RE SITTING IN THE SAME ROOM, IN CHAIRS RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. For goodness sakes,” she mutters, and Jin looks over at Yamapi and they share a secret grin. 

The make-up artist is giggling. “Are we bothering YOU, Machiko?” Jin asks sweetly, and caught between both Jin and Yamapi’s pouting faces, she blushes and giggles some more. Maki rolls her eyes. “You two are ridiculous.”

“Agent Red, I think our transmission is being eavesdropped on, over.”

“I hear you Agent Mountain. Over and out,” Jin finishes, and they snicker some more. 

Later, after filming a few things, Jin and Yamapi go on a set-wide scavenger hunt for throwing stars. “There have to be some,” Yamapi says, and Jin nods in agreement. 

“They definitely used some of them in episode two.”

Maki looks a little like someone killed her goldfish and ate it in front of her, so Jin and Pi try and tone it down, but there’s something about being together at work that brings out the worst in both of them. The PD, who is used to professional Yamashita Tomohisa, doesn’t have any idea what to do with the child who replaced his drama’s leading man. 

‘You two,” he says, gesturing at them both angrily as they toss pretzels into each other’s mouths from two meter distances, “go put on tuxedos for the party scene.” His voice is thin, like he wants to slap them. 

Jin shrugs and follows orders. Yamapi is snickering, and throws an arm about Jin’s shoulders as they go to the dressing room. 

“It’s fun working together,” he says, and Yamapi nods enthusiastically. 

“So true,” he agrees, buttoning up the color on his white dress shirt. He casually knots his bowtie and shrugs on his jacket. 

“You look good in that,” Jin notes, pulling on a vest, and doing up the two fastens. He then looks at the bowtie with absolute confusion. “What do I do with this?”

Yamapi looks at him incredulously. “Are you serious? You’re 28 years old, and you don’t know how to tie a bowtie?”

Grimacing, Jin looks at the bowtie in distaste. “Do I look like the sort of guy with skills at looking classy?” Jin asks, one eyebrow rising in pseudo-curiosity. “Have you ever seen me wear a suit outside of a drama?”

Thoughtfully biting his lips, Yamapi nods in the negative. “I guess not—you went straight from skanky KAT-TUN clothes to hobo-chic hip hop style. Let me,” he says, taking the tie from Jin’s fingertips and looping it around his neck. 

Yamapi’s fingers keep brushing Jin’s neck, leaving warm lines of fire everywhere they touch. As Pi concentrates on making a neat bow, Jin notices that his breath smells like pretzels and mint as they share the same air. Jin feels uncomfortable and hot, suddenly, like he needs to step away. “Hmmm,” Pi makes a satisfied sound as he looks at his handiwork. “I’m awesome,” he says, and meets Jin’s eyes. Jin flushes for some reason he can’t understand, and Yamapi grins and turns him around so they’re facing the mirror. 

Jin stares at their reflections, Yamapi warm and solid half behind him. Yamapi is wearing a smug smile, and Jin’s bowtie does look perfect. Jin’s shoulders, where Yamapi grips him, feel strange and tingly. He clears his throat, and says “It does look good.”

Yamapi steps away from him, grabbing his wrist in a light grip, and Jin feels the tingling move down to this new point of contact. “Let’s go, Agent Red,” he cheers, and the moment passes when Jin laughs. 

“Roger that, Agent Mountain,” he says, producing the walkie-talkie from nowhere, and Yamapi grins again. 

“They’re SO going to kill us after 3 days of this,” Yamapi says gleefully. 

“Probably,” Jin agrees.

Maki is waiting for them outside the dressing room, tapping her foot impatiently. She looks gorgeous in a blue evening gown, a simple silver necklace hanging at her throat. “You look ravishing,” Yamapi gallantly exclaims, and Maki looks charmed despite herself. “But not as ravishing as my darling Jin,” he continues, grabbing Jin around the waist and tipping him back romantically. Pi’s shoulder length hair falls dramatically around his face, and they both crack up. Maki snorts “Whatever,” and walks back toward the PD as Jin and Yamapi cackle, Jin still held in Pi’s strong grip. 

“I give Maki one more day,” Jin solemnly announces. “I’ll bet you dinner at that Thai place.”

“I don’t take sucker bets,” Pi protests, and they snicker together again. 

***

Jin is lying on his stomach on top of the covers, scrawling lyrics into his notebook when he hears the door. 

“Yo, Jin, where are you?” Pi calls from the hallway, and Jin can hear the sink turn on, and the sound of Yamapi splashing water on his face. The late July heat is unbearable, and Jin dreads stepping outside. Luckily, now that he’s in the song-writing phase of his timeline, he has another week before he really has to, given his partying ban, and the fact that he’s done filming for Pi’s drama. Pi has taken to being drenched in water and turning the air conditioner to frigid arctic temperatures to fight the sweltering humidity.

“In my room,” Jin calls in response, and Yamapi wanders in with a glass of ice water.

“I fucking hate summer,” he says, his girly hair dripping on his dark green tank shirt, which is already plastered to his muscular body with a combination of sweat and tap water. 

Jin grunts as Pi sits on the edge of Jin’s bed, his back to Jin as Jin continues to scribble in his notebook. “You’re such a wimp,” he says, then taps his pin against his mouth. “I’m shit at writing love songs, and I only have 3 days left, which is a bigger problem than this heat wave.”

“Says the man who sits in the air-con all day in his boxers and a t-shirt.”

Nibbling on his lip, Jin says “There are only days left, before I too must venture outside. And it’ll be August.”

Yamapi leans back, and plops his head down on the small of Jin’s back, resting above the line of Jin’s boxers. “August IS worse than July. It’ll also be rainy season,” Yamapi agrees.

“Hey, you’re getting me all wet,” Jin says, but makes no move to shove Yamapi off of him. “Get a haircut,” he says instead of getting violent, like he’s tempted to do. 

“Can’t,” Pi says. “Continuity and all.”

Jin hums his understanding. “Yeah. Actually it’s sort of dashing in a Gibbs brothers kind of way.”

“Gibbs brothers?”

“Barry Gibbs?” Yamapi’s face is blank.

“Oh my god,” Jin says. “How are we even friends?”

Pi laughs. “Dude, just pick out the American crap you want me to listen to, and I will. But no more Flo Rida, seriously.”

Jin tries to look back at Pi, insulted that he doesn’t recognize the lyrical genius of Apple Bottom Jeans, but he’s pinned to the bed by the weight of Pi’s head on his back. “Ugh,” he moans. “Even your head is fat.”

He feels Pi’s laughter shake the bed, and then Pi sits up. “I’m ordering Chinese,” he says, and Jin smiles. “Yessssssss!”

Jin turns back to his notebook, and a line comes to him. The heat I feel when you’re next to me has nothing to do with sweltering July.

Jin wonders if Yamapi wants to play Mario Kart.

***

The song that the board picks as Jin’s single is Chocolate Love. The song is sweet and upbeat, the lyrics about summer love and using all kinds of ridiculous metaphors about sugar spun dreams and other silly things like that. Jin really likes that the song makes him feel bubbly when he hears it, and hopes it has the same effect on his fans. 

The PV reunites him with Kashii Yu, who he hasn’t seen hide or hair of since Yukan Club. She’s as beautiful as he remembers, except she looks even better without the stupid cartoonish haircut. They all do, really, if he’s honest.

The concept of the video is two lovers having a flour fight in the kitchen, and playfully running around smearing frosting on each other. It’s a lot of fun—Jin likes Yu a lot, and she’s nothing like the stiff Noriko she played in YC. She makes inappropriate jokes about Jin’s butt when the camera stops rolling, and she and Jin spend the whole day just giggling and covering each other with foodstuffs.

After they’ve both showered, and filming is wrapped, Jin invites Yu out for coffee. They sit in a coffee shop in the dead of night, Jin with his hood pulled up and Yu looking adorable in a beanie that she’d stolen from him on the walk to the shop. 

“I’m jealous,” Yu says, during one lull in the conversation.

“Of what?” Jin stirs the whipped cream in his coffee with a fingertip as he looks at her.

“Of the girl you wrote this song for,” she replies. “I want a man to feel like that about me,” she elaborates and then clarifies: “Not YOU to feel that way about me.” She laughs. 

“Um,” Jin asks. “Why does this keep coming up?” He’s more asking himself than Yu. “I didn’t really write it with anything in particular in mind. I’m not even dating these days.”

Yu looks surprised. “Wow, but the lyrics are so personal.” Her eyes crinkle. “You must be really good.” She’s teasing him, and Jin relaxes. 

“Of course I am.”

The next day, when Jin watches the rough edit of the PV, he can’t stop thinking about Yamapi covered in chocolate lava cake, sitting on the kitchen counter with a giant spoon.

***

On August 13th, the PV drops. The next week, Jin is the top of every chart imaginable, and he gets surprising news from Aubree that it’s selling well on itunes in the US too. “They don’t care that they can’t understand it,” Aubree says, then cackles. “They just want to hear your sexy voice.”

Yamapi calls him from the studio the morning the Oricon weekly charts are released. He’s recording with NewS for the first time in over a year, retreating temporarily from solo activities to record an album with his band. He hears Tegoshi giggling in the background. 

“UMAI,” he hears Tegoshi yell, and Yamapi responds with an “Oishii!” and Jin imagines the face he’s making and chuckles. 

“Dude, congrats!” Yamapi’s voice is jubilant. “I’m coming home at like, 8 or something tonight, so wait for dinner.”

“Is that your wife?” Ryo catcalls, and Jin rolls his eyes, even though he knows Ryo can’t see him over the phone. 

“Don’t roll your eyes at him, Jin, you’re just wasting energy,” Yamapi lectures. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jin responds. “And of course I’ll wait for dinner.”

“Yosh! Let’s celebrate!” Yamapi cheers. His voice softens. “I told you they wouldn’t be disappointed.”

Jin clutches the cell phone in sweaty hands after Pi hangs up, feeling familiar warmth. 

“I told you they wouldn’t be disappointed.”

Pi and Yamapi celebrate over a bottle of wine and spaghetti, the one American style meal he knows how to make. As Jin takes a sip of the wine, stirring the sauce in the pan, he is startled that it’s the first alcohol he’s had in months. 

“This is good,” Pi compliments around a mouthful. “This is soooooo good.” His face is an expression of bliss as he holds the wooden spoon from the saucepan to lips.

He’s got tomato sauce all over his face, and Jin can’t help but be amused. “You’re hopeless,” he says, grabbing the spoon. “The noodles aren’t ready yet, you glutton.”

“Pot, kettle, black, Akanishi.”

Jin looks at Yamapi again, and he hasn’t wiped the sauce off his lips. Jin takes his thumb and wipes it on the corner of Pi’s lips, catching the sauce. ‘You’ve got…sauce…”

He goes to pull his thumb away, but Pi’s eyes cross, focusing on the thumb. “Don’t waste it!” he chastises, and flicks his tongue out.

Jin’s breath catches in his throat. “Gross!” Jin yelps, and runs his hand under the faucet. “Don’t lick people!” Jin’s whole face is red—he feels really uncomfortable. Yamapi is just laughing and laughing at the weird look on Jin’s face. 

“Whatever, I think the noodles are done,” Pi says, and throws one against the fridge. It slides down, and Jin snorts, discomfort passing.

“That’s not how you check, idiot.”

Almost half the pasta ends up on the floor in front of the refrigerator, and Jin is too lazy to wash the plates so they just mix the noodles in the saucepan and eat on the floor of the living room, since the kitchen table is covered in ingredients. 

It’s the best pasta Jin’s ever eaten.

***

Concert rehearsals are intense, and Jin feels sore down to his bones from dance practice. He drives home in a fog every day, wondering if he’ll survive. After the Yellow Gold 3011 tour, Jin knows how hard it is to carry your own show. But it’s more frenzied than he can remember, and he’s only got half of his old dancers, and their choreographers have planned these huge, 30 person routines, and Jin’s head is spinning—he has enough trouble remembering his lyrics, honestly. 

Pi is also starting concert preparations, but not nearly as frenzied as Jin’s. His show with NewS, their first in a long time, will be in February. 

Yamapi saves Jin, really. Making sure he eats, and staying in instead of going out to party so Jin isn’t tempted to break his Johnny-imposed ban. 

But Yamapi is still a selfish bitch with the TV.

“I want to watch Glee,” Jin pouts, and Yamapi glares at him. 

“No, I’m watching the news. You know, the real world,” Yamapi says. “And then we’re going to watch Yasu’s new drama.”

“But GLEEEEEEEEE, “ Jin whines.

“Just watch it on the internet!” Pi says.

“Let me watch it, or else,” Jin threatens.

“Or else what?” Pi dares.

“You know,” Jin says, and wriggles his fingers.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Pi is scowling at him, and so Jin attacks, his fingers going for sensitive spots along his ribs and belly. “No, stop—“ Pi gasps, laughing uncontrollably as Jin’s fingers glide along his sides with practiced cruelty. 

Pi retaliates, and uses his superior strength to push Jin off of him, straddling him playfully and eying his collarbone maliciously. “You’ll pay,” he cackles, and Jin shivers in dread.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I give!” Jin says rapidly, words spilling out in comic fear. 

“Well, now that I’ve got you at my mercy, what should I do?” Yamapi thoughtfully murmurs, and strokes his chin with one hand, and Jin uses his distraction to flip him again.

“You snooze, you lose,” he says in English, and Pi looks at him murderously. 

“No chances, next time, Bakanishi—I’m going straight for the kill, you ass,” he grunts, as Jin tickles him again, grazing the ticklish spot right above his hipbone that Jin discovered when they were kids. 

Jin doesn’t tell the press about the spot, because it’s his secret.

It’s easy, with Pi squirming underneath him, for Jin to lean forward and kiss him. It seems like the natural progression of this moment, and Jin doesn’t think about it. His head dips of it’s own accord, and suddenly he feels Pi’s lips under his own, dry and chapped but somehow soft. The kiss only lasts for a moment, until Jin realizes what he’s doing and quickly retreats.

Yamapi is looking at him, his eyes wide and uncomprehending, and Jin feels this terrible sinking in his gut that is screaming mistake mistake mistake.

“Oh god,” Jin says aloud, “I am so sorry.”

Yamapi doesn’t say anything, just looks at him with this blank, confused stare, like he has no idea what is going on. “What?”

Jin scrambles up off the floor, and finds himself backing toward the door of Pi’s bedroom, his heart beating a mile a minute. “I’m just gonna…”

He flees.

It’s a cold November day outside, and Jin, clad only in jeans and a t-shirt, is shivering as he walks through the local park. He finally sits on a park bench, his head cradled in his hands. 

What am I doing? Jin asks himself, looking inside for the answers.

He searches, but he doesn’t like what he finds.

If Jin’s honest with himself, he doesn’t know when his feelings changed, only that they are different now. When he looks at Yamapi, or feels Yamapi’s heat next to him, or sees Yamapi’s scrunched up smile as he goofs off with Tegoshi, or…when he’s just being Yamapi, Jin can’t take his eyes off of him. Yamapi is everything, in every corner of his memories and in every corner of his heart.

And his album, “his best work yet,” and an “advancement into a mature musical style,” according to the press—his album’s all Pi, too, baking, and singing in the shower and tying bowties. Everything he wrote was about his friendship with Pi, and now he can see that on his side, it’s not just friendship, it’s finding the other half of his soul.

Jin knows his life has always had a big Yamapi-shaped hole in it, and since he came back to Japan, the hole has been growing and growing until it ate up Jin’s whole being. Yamapi is like the sun, and Jin revolves around him 365 days of the year. 

Jin would give anything to un-realize this whole thing.

And now, Jin has to go back to his apartment, and tell his best friend that it was a momentary lapse of sanity, so his sun doesn’t disappear. 

When Jin walks through the apartment door, it’s dark outside and his lips are blue. Yamapi is waiting for him. “You stupid fuck, you’re going to die,” he says, throwing a big blanket over Jin’s shoulders. He shoves Jin down on the couch. “You can’t wander around Tokyo in November for six hours with no coat, Bakanishi.” Yamapi sounds tense, like he’s been worried sick, and a little like he’s just been sick in general.

Jin is quiet, and Yamapi disappears into the kitchen, returning a minute later with a steaming cup of tea. He shoves it into Jin’s hands, and the heat scalds Jin’s frozen fingertips. “Drink it all. If you die of your own stupidity I will resurrect you and kill you again, you ass.”

Jin sips the tea, and Yamapi settles next to him on the couch. After 5 minutes pass, Jin is still silent, and Yamapi is fidgeting, like he’s about to explode all at once.

Finally, Pi breaks the silence. “What…Just…What the fuck, Jin?”

Jin looks up at Yamapi then, for the first time since he came home. Yamapi blanches when he sees his face, and Jin wonders if the misery he feels is tangible, visible in every detail of his expression. “Sorry,” Jin croaks, “I’m really, really sorry.”

“I mean, okay,” Yamapi runs a hand through his hair slowly, and then again, quickly, making a sound of frustration. “What did it mean? Did you mix me up with someone else, or…?”

This is Jin’s out. He knows this is his chance to tell Pi he was thinking of this or that, Aubree, or some faceless girl, or anything but the truth. But, as he looks at Pi, he knows he can’t lie. Jin’s never been much of a liar, and even if he had been, this was Yamapi, and Jin can’t lie to him. “There was no mistake,” Jin says quietly. 

Yamapi’s hand stills in his hair. “Wait, then…you like…?”

Jin’s face crumples. “I’m sorry, I never meant to…”

Yamapi’s eyes go comically wide, except to Jin, there is nothing funny about this moment. “You never meant…fuck, Jin, you want to kiss me? I didn’t even know you liked men…?”

“I don’t,” Jin says softly. “It’s just you.”

Silence stretches between them, and it’s vast and stifling all at once. Jin doesn’t know how to cross the rift, doesn’t know how to fix what he’s broken. 

“Oh, Jin,” Yamapi whispers. “I can’t…”

Jin shudders. “I know, I know, don’t say anything, I already—“

“I can’t…I’m not attracted to men,” Yamapi insists on saying, and Jin wants to die, his embarrassment and shame and hurt all laying on his lungs and making it hard for him to breathe. 

“I know,” Jin exhales. “You’re my best friend, I never meant—“ and he feels tears start to well in his eyes. “I didn’t want THIS.” Jin is shivering, from the cold or from his repressed emotions, he doesn’t know. His whole body is tingling in the warmth of the blanket as feeling returns to his limbs, but his heart is cold, and Jin wishes he couldn’t feel a thing.

Warm arms encircle him tightly, and Yamapi is breathing slowly, like he’s a pregnant woman doing Lamaze, to keep himself calm. Jin feels his hair move with every breath. “I’m sorry Jin. All I can offer you is what we have now.”

Jin closes his eyes. His fists are balled up in the fabric of the blanket, kneading the material in anxious contemplation. “This is enough.” And in his head, he says it again. This is enough.

***  
But it isn’t enough. Jin just hurts all the time.

They both pretend that nothing has changed, but there’s a wall where there never was one before. 

Yamapi doesn’t sit next to Jin on the floor when they play Tekken, he sits up on the arm chair. 

When Jin does something stupid, Yamapi doesn’t put his fingers in Jin’s hair and tug—he just scowls at him and calls him “Bakanishi.” 

Actually, he doesn’t touch Jin at all. Jin is resigned to it—of course Yamapi doesn’t want to touch him.

And the biggest thing is, they don’t talk about it. Jin doesn’t know what Yamapi thinks about this whole thing, but he thinks hey are both hoping it just goes away, and then things will return to the way they were. 

Yuu questions him about it. “Did you and Pi get into a fight?”

“No,” Jin says, and it’s true. 

But there’s no cake fights, and no shared spaghetti. Only long silences, and Jin feels so much colder without Pi’s body to lean against watching TV. 

Jin thinks Pi might feel it too, since now he carries a Nobuta blanket around the apartment with him everywhere he goes, but it might just be due the onset of deep winter. Jin wants to ask, but he’s not sure if he’ll get an answer.

November 2012 is the longest month of Jin’s life.

On November 29th, Jin sees Kamenashi again for the first time in years. He’s leaning against the wall in the hallway, and suddenly a shadow appears in front of him. “Akanishi,” the voice says, and Jin knows it’s Kame. He opens his eyes, and there’s a bottle of Yogurt Qoo hovering in front of his face. “You looked like you could use a drink.”

Jin looks at him incredulously as he drops the drink in Jin’s lap and starts to walk away. “Anyway, I won’t bother you. I know how you feel about me.” There’s something tortured in Kamenashi’s eyes, that even now, years after he has been able to call Kame a friend, that makes Jin wonder if Kamenashi is as cold as Jin always assumed he must be.

“Kamenashi!” he yells out, and Kame turns around. “You can be Draco, instead.”

Kame looks at him like he’s lost his mind.

“Instead of Voldemort, I mean,” Jin says in a normal turn of voice. “After all, Draco didn’t really want to hurt anyone, he just didn’t know any better.” 

Kamenashi smiles. 

Jin feels conflicted about the encounter, but mostly, he feels relieved.

***

Yamapi has been bringing girls home two or three nights a week, and Jin can hear their moans through the wall at all hours of the night. 

Jin’s always out of the apartment early in the morning, before Yamapi and his girl of the day awaken. His manager is impressed with his promptness, praising him for “turning over a new leaf,” but she looks a little worried at the dark circles under Jin’s eyes.

Jin wishes he could go back in time, back to when Pi was his best friend and he didn’t understand his own feelings. Going home to the apartment is like a stark reminder that Jin’s not going to get his happy ending, no matter how much he prays to a God he doesn’t really believe in that his feelings will fade.

Jin’s concerts are all sold out. He’s doing 10 shows across Japan, the last one at Tokyo Dome (Tokyo Dome, all by himself!), and Jin is pleased at least something in his life is going right. A big thing, if he’s honest. His concert sold out in 7 minutes. All ten shows. Jin sold out the Tokyo Dome in 7 minutes. Johnny calls him into his office, and hands him a cigar.

“Jin, you’ve outdone yourself,” he says. “If your movie with Denzel Washington does well, we’re going to renegotiate your contract, giving you total control over your movie choices and your music.”

The cigar hangs limply against Jin’s lips, and Jin is filled with happiness. He can’t wait to call Pi and tell him the good news, but then he’s thinking about Pi, and the bubble deflates enough that Johnny notices.

“YOU,” he says, and Jin looks up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing that will affect my work, sir,” Jin replies, and Johnny nods satisfied. Johnny likes this new, obedient Jin, who does what he’s told and sells more than almost any idol in the jimusho.

“Very good, Jin, very good.”

Jin’s manager informs Jin he’ll be headed back to the states as soon as his concerts are finished. “About a month,” she says, and Jin nods, resigned. “You’ll leave right after Christmas.”

With the way things are in the apartment, Jin almost wishes he could leave tomorrow. But he’s excited for the concerts, and he knows he has a duty to his fans to give them his best.

Things come to a head when Jin gets back at midnight from a grueling rehearsal and hears a woman’s soft scream from Yamapi’s bedroom. Jin numbly sits down at the kitchen table after he makes himself a cup of tea. He nestles it between his hands, letting the warmth ease his tension. When the moans cease, and Jin’s tea has gone cold, Yamapi wanders in the kitchen, clad in boxers, his skin glistening with the sweat of exertion. He grabs a glass from the high cabinet, stretching his arm up to reach the long glasses on the top shelf, and Jin, against his own will, watches the smooth rippling of Yamapi’s hard-won muscles underneath his skin. Pi fills the glass with water and gulps it in one swallow, draining the glass and getting water all over his face. 

Jin clears his throat, and Yamapi notices him for the first time. “Oh, hey, Jin,” he says, and flips on the light. “Why are you sitting here in the dark like a bat?”

Jin’s throat is dry. “Because I have a headache,” he explains, and looks up at Pi. Pi gasps when he sees his face, and Jin wanders what he looks like, after a long day of rehearsals and not sleeping for two weeks. He doesn’t remember shaving recently either, and he can’t recall the last time he ate.

“Jesus, Jin, when’s the last time you slept?”

“Hard to sleep when you live in a brothel,” Jin retorts, rubbing a hand over his face and feeling guilty for mentioning it. “Sorry man, I’m just tired, I’m doing wall to wall rehearsals, since my show starts this weekend, and I’m cranky. Don’t mind me.”

Yamapi is grimacing slightly. “Yo sorry man, I’ve been kind of a dick. I didn’t even think about the fact that you wouldn’t be able to sleep with all the noise. You’ve always been a heavy sleeper, so I didn’t think—“

Jin is tired, and doesn’t want to have this conversation, now or ever. So he stands up, and puts his cup in the sink, telling himself he’ll wash it in the morning. “Look, it’s not really the noise, so much as knowing that the person you’re in love with is screwing a different girl every damn night, and doesn’t really give a fuck if you hear it.” He doesn’t look at Yamapi, and starts to walk toward his own bedroom.

Yamapi grabs a handful of Jin’s sweater as he tries to leave. Jin turns, and Yamapi’s eyes are haunted. “You’re in love with me?”

Jin is filled with frustration. “What the fuck did you think this was?” he asks incredulously, and he can’t believe Pi is being so stupid. “What did you think this was to me?”

Yamapi looks like his world has flipped on his axis, like the furniture is all on the ceiling and someone just told him NewS was releasing a hip hop album. “I thought…I thought it was like, a weird lust thing or some kind of identity crisis—“ 

Jin grabs Yamapi’s hand and tugs his sweater free. “Of course it isn’t, Pi!” Jin doesn’t understand how he can ignore the obvious. “I’m not GAY, and if it was some weird lust thing I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to fuck up my relationship with my best friend! I’m not…if I could change it I would!” Jin’s voice is a harsh whisper, aware of Pi’s guest only meters away in the first bedroom, but his voice is frantic and his eyes are wild. “Leave me alone!”

He leaves Yamapi standing there in the kitchen, one hand outstretched and the other holding the water glass in a punishing grip, his knuckles white and his eyes wide.

The next morning, after a sleepless night, Jin creeps out of his room at 6:30 AM, walking silently down the hallway. He wants to grab a banana from the kitchen, but pauses when he sees Yamapi asleep at the table, head resting on his arms, face peaceful in unconsciousness. Jin has always envied Pi’s ability to sleep through anything.

He looks at Pi, for a moment, and then he looks into his own heart. It’s the same image.

He grabs a banana, and leaves. 

The next 4 days before Jin’s concert are an endless cycle of morning to night rehearsals and tech meetings, and Jin doesn’t even bother to go home, sleeping on couches in meeting rooms in the jimusho. 

His manager hands him a box of sleeping pills the day before the concert, and tells him she’ll see him tomorrow at 4 PM, and Jin is left with the daunting task of taking himself home. His eyes are bleary, and he knows he can’t drive. Without even thinking about it, he calls Pi.

“Jin?” Pi asks, his voice sounding frantic. “Where are you?”

“At the jimusho,” he replied, hoping that the slur in his voice doesn’t make him unintelligible.

“What?”

“Pick me up, I can’t drive,” Jin says, and Yamapi grunts. 

“Be there in 20.”

Jin is waiting outside with his bag when Yamapi pulls up in his silver Lexus, and he plops into the passenger seat and melts. “Oh god, I’m so tired.”

Pi’s hands are gripping the steering wheel tightly. “Where have you been?”

Jin cracks an eye open. “What? I’ve been here. My concert starts tomorrow.” He sighs. “We’re finally ready, I think.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were here?” Pi says, and Jin notices how tense he is. “I thought…”

Jin’s mind, slowed with weeks of sleep deprivation and anxiousness, doesn’t follow. “You thought what?”

“I thought you were avoiding me, Bakanishi!” Yamapi explodes. “I didn’t know where you were and I didn’t want to call you in case you WERE trying to avoid me, and I’ve been fucking worried about you.” He sounds grumpy, like a petulant child denied ice cream, and Jin, despite himself, thinks it’s cute.

Jin doesn’t have the energy to argue right now, or to feel anything. He just wants to sleep. “I’m not avoiding you. You’re my best friend,” he mumbles. His mouth feels full of cotton. 

“Okay,” he hears Yamapi say. “Okay.”

The rest of the drive passes in a haze, and when they get back to the apartment, Jin barely pauses to pull off his boots before going straight into his room and collapsing on the bed, still wearing his winter coat and knit hat. 

Pi follows him into the room, and sighs again. “You’re hopeless,” he says, and tugs Jin’s coat off his arms, grabbing his hat, too. Then he rolls Jin onto his back, and drags the blanket out from under him, pulling it over him. He presses a dry kiss to Jin’s temple. “Absolutely hopeless.”

Jin snuggles contentedly under the blanket, only vaguely aware of Yamapi’s weight on the bed next to him. 

“Goodnight, Jin,” Pi whispers, and Jin is asleep.

***

Jin’s concerts go well. He’s traveling, so he doesn’t see Pi. 

***

Yamapi comes to Jin’s last concert, the one at the Tokyo Dome. Jin’s fans scream like demons out of hell when Pi joins him on stage. Yamapi sings along to the chorus of Chocolate Love and Jin spares a moment to wonder if he knows it’s about them. But he’s caught up in the adrenaline, the rush of hearing his own name being screamed at him from stands filled with almost 25,000 people, 25,000 people who paid a minimum of 14,000 yen in a rush-buy, all to see HIM.

Jin Akanishi is a name all by himself now, and never is that brought home more than when Jin is standing on stage at the Tokyo Dome, surrounded by his first fans, his Japanese fans.

“I love you all very much,” he shouts into the mike as the show ends with Eternal. “These concerts in Japan have meant more to me than anything I’ve ever done in my life. So thank you.” He feels himself choking up, so he bows, low, to the audience, both to hide his face and to show them respect—thanking them for their continued support, even during the days when he let them down again and again. “I’ll keep trying my best, for you,” he finishes.

This is one of the happiest days he’s had in a long time.

Yamapi is waiting for him after he showers and gets changed, right by the artist exits. His hand is linked with some girl’s. “Jin! What a great show!” Yamapi’s hair is a little sweaty from the stage lights. “This is Rika, by the way,” he says, introducing her.

Jin is filled with rage, but manages to keep it to a cool boil. He smiles politely at the girl, anger filling up the hollow pit of his stomach. “Nice to meet you,” he says to the girl, a pretty little thing who looks much too young for Pi. “Rika, is it? I’m Jin.” He holds out a hand, and shakes it excitedly. 

“Well, of course you are!” she squeals, and Jin winces at the sound. “The show was AMAZING!” she gushes, and Jin can’t help but admire her exuberance.

Yamapi clears his throat and pulls Rika closer to his side with an arm around her waist. “Do you want to go and get something to eat with us, right now? We waited around so we could ask you.”

Jin looks at Yamapi incredulously, wondering what kind of response Pi is expecting. “No thank you,” he replies, his voice coming out a little hotter than he would have liked, but not as enraged as he feels. “I’m going to go home and get some rest.”

“But it’s the last show!” Pi whines, and Rika looks up at him adoringly. Jin thinks he might vomit up wrath. “You HAVE to celebrate! And you’re leaving tomorrow, right? You can sleep on the plane!”

“It’s not up for debate,” Jin says sharply, and walks brusquely past them to his car. “See you later.” He turns back, and bows politely at Rika. “Nice to meet you, Miss Rika.”

Jin feels himself trembling with fury the whole way home. He goes into the kitchen and bangs the pots and pans around, before deciding to eat instant ramen, and doesn’t clean anything up. He sits on the couch and slurps noodles, watching his DVDs of The Wire and trying to immerse himself in someone else’s problems for a while. 

When Yamapi comes home 4 hours later, smelling of grilled meat and sex, Jin doesn’t say a word to him. It takes Yamapi and hour to notice that Jin has not opened his mouth once, except to take sips of beer, and sits next to him on the couch with his arms crossed.

“Alright, what’s wrong?”

Jin says nothing.

“Is this about Rika? I know she’s a little annoying, but she’s a nice girl and you would have liked her if you’d just gotten the stick out of your ass—“

Jin finally turns to look at him. “You just don’t get it, do you?”

Yamapi tilts his head to the side at Jin’s tone, frigid and short. “Get what? I introduced you to a nice girl I’m seeing and you acted like a psychopath.”

“Remember,” Jin’s voice shakes. “Remember that time Keiko showed up at your birthday party with that guy a week after you broke up?”

Pi’s eyes widen. “Yeah, what a bitch! She KNEW I still had feelings for her and she brought that guy to my BIRTHDAY PARTY, knowing…” his voice trails off, and his eyes start to fill with horror. “Jin, I didn’t think…”

Jin’s voice is cold now; the shaking has stopped. Now it just sounds empty, even to his own ears. “You never think, do you? You just keep pulling out a knife and stabbing me. It’s so cruel.”

Yamapi’s tone is defensive. “Now Jin, I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not used to all this—“

Jin explodes. “NO, YOU’RE PURPOSELY PUSHING IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD, AVOIDING IT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!” Jin is screaming, and feels bad for the neighbors. “AND EVERY TIME YOU FORGET, YOU END UP HURTING ME! LIKE I DON’T MEAN A DAMN THING TO YOU!”

“I didn’t ask for this!” Pi screams back. “I didn’t make you fall in love with me! This little INFATUATION or whatever it is RUINED EVERYTHING. You’ve ruined everything and now I don’t even know what to do about you! I just want everything to be like it was, when it wasn’t so HARD. Why can’t you just get over it?! Get over me?!”

Jin’s all out of steam now. “You’re right,” he whispers, and the rage melts away to a feeling of inconsolable despair. “This is all my fault,” and his voice must sound as dead as he feels inside, because Yamapi’s looking at him, guilt stricken. 

“No, Jin, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just—“ Jin doesn’t really hear him, because he feels like he’s got an ocean in his head. 

“It’s okay,” he says, as he numbly stands up. “I’m leaving tomorrow, anyway.” 

He locks himself in his room, and sobs into his pillow. Twenty minutes later, Yamapi pounds on his door. “Jin, come out and talk to me, please.” His voice is begging.

Jin pretends to be asleep. 

“Jin, I’m sorry,” he hears from the other side of the door, and Jin hopes the pillow is muffling the sound of his crying. 

***

Jin emerges from his room about 10 minutes before he has to leave for the airport, debating between calling Ryo and calling a taxi. He’s thinking the taxi, because the taxi won’t ask him uncomfortable questions like “Why can’t Yamashita take you?” or “Why didn’t you call a cab, bitch?”

But Yamapi is sitting on the arm of the couch waiting for him, car keys in hand. “Cutting it close, aren’t we?”

Jin doesn’t really have a response, and figures there’s nothing to do but follow. Yamapi grabs his rolling suitcase from him, and Jin jumps when their fingers brush as the handle goes from his grasp to Pi’s. “Sorry,” Pi mumbles, and Jin doesn’t say anything. 

The 30 minutes ride to the airport is pretty quiet, Yamapi asking a few questions and not really getting much from Jin except for grunts and nods. 

It’s a relief, really, when the car pulls into a parking space. Yamapi pops the trunk as Jin climbs out, immediately lighting a cigarette. He pretends his hands aren’t shaking. When Yamapi’s pulled his backpack and his suitcase from the trunk, Jin turns to him. “You should sell that apartment,” he says, and Pi bites his lip, looking down. “I probably won’t come back to it. I’ll send Reio to get my stuff at some point.”

“Jin…”

“And I’m going to do my best, okay?” Jin forces a smile onto his face, the best one he can manage while his heart is tearing itself to shreds. “To get over you, yeah?”

Pi’s eyes are filled with something Jin can’t name. “No, Jin, I’m…”

“And then we can be best friends again, okay? Maybe we just can’t live together for awhile, and I really should be living by myself, I’m 28 now, you know?” Jin can hear a little hysteria creeping into his voice, so he stops talking. “Well, goodbye.” He starts to walk away.

Yamapi grabs him suddenly in a one armed hug, making Jin drop his cigarette, pulling him to his muscular chest, and Jin can hear his heart beating, slow and steady. “Email me when you get to LA, Bakanishi,” he says, then lets go.

Jin can feel him watching as he walks through the sliding glass doors. 

***

Jin goes to a read-through of his film. He plays a heartbroken journalist whose wife has left him for another woman, and goes insane. 

Denzel Washington tells him he’s got good eyes. “It looks real,” Denzel says. “You really look like the love of your life is out of reach.” 

“He is,” Jin says, before he realizes he shouldn’t.

Denzel puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright kid,” he says, “It happens to us all at one point or another. Heartbreak is a part of being an adult. You’ll heal, though.”

Jin nods slowly. He hopes he’s right.

It’s New Years’ Eve.

***

On New Year’s Day, Jin receives an email from Yamapi.

Happy New Years, Bakanishi.

Hope all is well with the movie.

Tomohisa

Jin responds:

Happy New Years to you too. My new years resolution is to fulfill my promise to you. I wish you the best of luck in the coming year.

Always your friend, Jin

Jin used to sign his emails “Love~<3” but can’t bear to write the word, because love just fucking hurts.

Ryo calls him the next day. “What did you do to Yamapi? Did you pee in his laundry or something?” Ryo demands, and Jin is taken aback.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s all depressed and shit. Looks like he did when he broke up with Keiko. I got him drunk last night, and he said you were gone and you might not come back. I asked him to elaborate, but he passed out so…”

“It’s fine,” Jin says, and then reconsiders. “It will be fine. We both just need some space from each other, I think.”

Ryo snorts. “Okay Peanut Butter, you and Jelly can have your space, but really, this is ridiculous.”

Jin doesn’t want to explain, so he doesn’t. “Don’t worry,” he says softly. “I’m working hard.”

Ryo is suspiciously quiet on the other end. “Jin, what happened?” Ryo’s voice is surprisingly gentle. “Maybe I should ask what Pi did to you, instead of what you did to him?”

“Nothing I didn’t deserve,” Jin says finally, his tone unwavering. “It’s going to be fine, Ryo.”

“I sure hope so,” Ryo says gruffly “Pi looks like someone ran him through the dishwasher, and you sound like you died a month ago.”

“I’m trying my best to fix it,” Jin says. “It’s just hard.”

Yamapi doesn’t respond to Jin’s email, and Jin wonders whether their friendship is over.

Jin feels like his sun is gone, and he’s living in the dark.

***

Filming wraps up near the end of February. Jin loses track of time. He doesn’t really remember filming, but his co-workers have nothing but glowing praise for him. “You worked hard, kid,” Denzel says, palming his neck. “Good luck to you.”

Jin has been flying back and forth between LA and Boston. In LA is his new American CD, which he’s really just laying down a few tracks for, and in Boston there are movie sets and post-production. 

Jin’s days are full of work. If he’s not working, he’s moping, so he tries to keep as busy as possible. He hears from his mom almost everyday, like she has a sixth sense about his depression, even though she can’t see him and he hasn’t told her about it.

When he meets up with Dom one weekend in LA, Dom takes one look at him and tells him they’re going to get drunk.

“Dude, are you…You look like you’re 2 seconds from stepping in front of a bus,” Dom says, grasping a Guinness in one hand, and Jin’s forearm in the other.

“I’m not,” Jin says. “I’ve got a lot to live for, don’t worry.”

“If you need to talk…”

“Remember when we were recording, and you asked me if…if I was in love?” Jin blurts out, all of a sudden.

“Yeah?”

“I was…am,” Jin confides. “I am, and it hurts.”

Dom looks at him. “You should write about it. Like therapy. You need to do something. You’ve lost a ton of weight, dude, and after another month you won’t be able to blame it on shooting a movie.”

Jin looks at him miserably, his own drink untouched. “I can’t eat. I try but it just comes back up, usually.”

Dom looks alarmed. “You should see a doctor, dude!”

Jin turns to him. “Why? I’m just depressed. I’ll get over it. And when I do,” he says resolutely, “let’s go out for burgers. In-and-Out burgers.” He downs his rum and coke in one swallow, and it burns in his empty stomach.

Clasping him on the shoulder, Dom smiles. “Alright Jin. Sounds good.” His eyes are still worried.

Jin is lucky in his friends. But he was luckiest with Pi.

Jin can’t see out of the darkness he’s living in.

***

Pi calls once, 2 months after Jin returns to America. 

“Pi?” Jin says when he answers the phone. 

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m not…going to move out of the apartment, or find a new roommate.” Pi is resolute. “So you’ll just have to live here.”

“…What?”

“I just called to tell you you’re definitely not moving out.” Now Jin can hear that Pi’s voice is slurring. He’s drunk. 

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“Yes, you are.”

“You don’t know me that well!”

“Yes I do.”

“I guess you do,” Pi says. “Does it matter?”

“You’re a dick when you’re drunk,” Jin replies. “Always saying things you regret.”

“Doesn’t matter what I say,” Pi hiccups, and Jin thinks he might be really drunk. “You’ll still love me anyway, right?”

Jin hangs up the phone, because it’s a dick move.

“You’ll still love me anyway, right?”

It echoes in his head, over and over again, as Jin tries to sleep. He wakes up with a migraine and dark circles. 

Sorry for drunk dialing you yesterday. I don’t remember what I said, so I hope it wasn’t offensive.

Tomohisa

Jin responds quickly.

Don’t worry about it. But don’t do it again. Guess you do need me, after all: to take your phone from you when you’re too drunk. That said, maybe it’s best if you don’t call, anyway. I need space from you.

Jin

Jin misses his friendship with Yamapi, the long, ridiculous emails about nothing and everything. He misses Pi so much there’s a part of him missing, and he feels like strangers on the street can see the gaping hole in his side, bleeding out loneliness.

Jin is determined to get over Pi, so he can have him back. 

But his heart is being stubborn, imagining Pi’s smile and the warmth of Pi’s breath on his neck as he sleeps.

***

Tegoshi calls him. “Whatever’s wrong with you and Pi, fix it. We’re on TOUR.” His voice is terse. “Yesterday he got drunk and cried that his best friend had left him forever, that you had told him not to call you, and then just took a shot anytime your name came up. Then Chocolate Love came on and he locked himself in Ryo’s costume closet and sobbed like a little girl.”

“I’m trying,” Jin mumbles.

‘Try harder,” Tegoshi says, and he hangs up too. Everyone is hanging up on everyone, lately. Jin can’t remember the last time he said “bye,” to someone on the phone.

Jin does make an effort, though, because he regrets telling Pi not to call, even though he thinks it might be what he needs. 

He tries to call Yamapi, but his phone is off or busy every time. He waits until he’s sure the concert is over, and calls again. This time, Ryo answers the phone.

“Jin! I don’t know where Pi is, man. We just finished our last show, and I think he forgot his phone here and left the venue.”

“Ah,” Jin says. “Well…”

“I’ll tell him you called,” Ryo says. “Maybe it’ll cheer him up.”

***

Jin wakes up at 2:30 AM to a pounding on the door of his hotel room. The last thing he expects, when he jerks open the door, is Yamapi, wet from the torrential rain-- hair plastered to his face, wearing track pants and a nondescript gray hoodie, and carrying a bulging backpack.

He looks gorgeous, straight out of a drama, like he always does, and Jin doesn’t know what to say. “This is Boston,” he says, and Yamapi smiles tiredly. “You’re in Japan.”

Yamapi leans against the doorframe, and Jin tries to figure out if Yamapi is really here. He reaches out and runs the back of his index finger against Yamapi’s cheek, the slightest of touches. Yamapi closes his eyes. “No, I’m in Boston,” he corrects, and his voice is exhausted. “Can I come in?”

Jin steps away from the door. “Yeah,” he says, but he doesn’t know what else to say. The last time they’d seen each other, at the airport when Jin left Japan, Yamapi had hugged him awkwardly and told him to email him when he got to his LA loft, so Jin didn’t even know what his maybe ex-best friend was doing here. 

“Why are you here?” Jin says, and wants to hit himself. “I mean, it’s not a problem or anything, I just…”

Yamapi sighs and leans against the now-closed door. He rests his head against the door, too, and looks up at the ceiling. “I had to see you,” he says, and Jin is angry.

“What?” Jin’s fists are clenched now, and his heart is hammering against his ribcage. “You can’t DO THIS to me!” He snarls, frustrated and confused. “You can’t just come here and—How am I supposed to get over you if you’re HERE and you do things like this—“ Jin feels like screaming and crying, like hitting Yamapi over and over again until he hurts on the outside as much as Jin hurts on the inside. “It’s not FAIR, Pi, it’s not fair to expect me to fall out of love with you if you can’t—“

“Don’t,” Pi swallows quickly, like he’s nervous but incredibly sure. “Don’t you dare.”

“Dare WHAT?” Jin asks, thoroughly confused, feeling bruised and fragile, not understanding this moment or what Pi is trying to say.

“Don’t you dare fall out of love with me, Bakanishi,” Pi threatens. “Not when I’ve just realized that I love you back.”

Jin can’t comprehend what’s happening, really, only he knows that Yamapi is here, in his hotel room, hands nervously fiddling with the straps of his backpack and eyes on the ceiling while he says impossible things.

“But—“ Jin can’t even choke out a question, he’s so flabbergasted by this turn of events. “You don’t like me that way.”

“You don’t think I fly out right after a concert, across the world, for just anybody, do you?” Pi whispers, and Jin’s heart stops beating, before suddenly starting again, at three times normal speed. “It’s just, when you left, I imagined what my life would be like without you in it. I remembered how awful it was when you were here for 9 months and not leaving dishes all over the kitchen or making me watch American shows on TV, or making me celebratory spaghetti.” Yamapi gulps. “And then I imagined my life without having any of that ever again, without the promise of you coming back, someday. And that’s when I realized…”

Jin doesn’t breathe.

“That it was EMPTY. If I take all that out of my life, there’s just work, and a few friends, and then nothing. YOU are my life. Waking up to your tragic attempts at breakfast and laughing with you about Ryo’s Napoleon Complex, and throwing flour all over our kitchen…” He runs a hand through his wet hair again, looking incredibly anxious. “And once I realized that, I realized that somehow, you’d managed to worm your way deeper into my heart than anyone I’ve ever known. I’ve never liked a guy before, but it doesn’t feel wrong to me, the idea of kissing you.” He’s out of steam, now, just standing there, looking at Jin helplessly, before gathering his resolve. “So, Jin, I want you. I love you, and it might even be the same way you love me.”

Jin can’t respond, he’s so shocked.

Yamapi is nervously wriggling in the silence. “Unless you don’t want me anymore…” he trails off, looking Jin directly in the eyes, his own eyes uncertain.

Jin’s never wanted anything in his life as much as he wants Yamapi. Jin would give up anything and everything for the assurance that he can keep Pi with him always. Jin sees Yamapi in front of him, and he sees the world, his whole world. “Stupid,” Jin mutters. “I’ll never not want you.”

Yamapi approaches him slowly, and pulls Jin into a hug. Their foreheads rest against each other, and Jin feels wet strands of Yamapi’s ridiculously long hair sticking to his face and neck, and he doesn’t care because the moment can’t get more perfect. But then it does, as Jin tilts his face to the side and touches Yamapi’s lips with his own. 

Jin has kissed many times. At 28 years old, he’d kissed his fair share of women, of varying age and experience levels. But it all pales in comparison to this kiss. When their lips meet, Jin feels assaulted with sensation. Yamapi’s lips are warm and tinged with the flavor of coffee. The slow glide of their lips against each other, soft and gentle, means more to Jin than any other kiss he’s ever given or received. And when Jin sends his tongue out with a tentative request for access, the immediate parting of Yamapi’s lips makes Jin’s chest feel heavy and swollen with joy. Their tongues tangle hesitantly, but then they grow more sure, hot breath moving between them as the kiss goes on and on. Jin’s hands are fisted in Yamapi’s hoodie, and he feels Yamapi’s own hands running soothing lines up and down the small of his back, and he’s dizzy with disbelief and elation, both feelings curling around his lungs and squeezing. After a minute they part for air, gasping shallowly.

“I’m sorry,” Yamapi mumbles against Jin’s cheek, where his lips rest. 

“I love you,” Jin replies. “Take all the time you need.”

***

Neither of them know what they’re doing, really. Jin has never been with a man, and Pi has never even thought about being with a man. But their kisses are long and hot, a wet meeting of mouths that gives way to tangled tongues and soft licks at the insides of each other’s mouths. Jin’s always had an oral fixation, and it’s even better when he can lick slowly down Yamapi’s rippling chest, making him shudder.

He blows hot air after every lick, and Pi’s nipples are hard. Tempting. He grabs one between his lips, and Yamapi makes this mewling sound that leaves Jin breathless with wanting. 

Yamapi quickly flips them over, reclaiming Jin’s lips fiercely, biting on his lower lip and sucking it into his mouth. 

They’re both clad in only their boxers, having long removed clothes in their haste so see and explore. Jin is fascinated by the way Pi’s muscles move as he breathes, and how his body is so different from Jin’s own. He explores each difference with his tongue, until Pi is gasping for mercy. 

“Jin, Jin, please, I need…” 

“Can I…?” Jin asks for permission, his hand on the waistband of Yamapi’s boxers. 

“Oh god, yes,” Pi says, and Jin tugs them off, before giving Pi’s long, hard cock a tiny lick. Pi’s hips surge off the bed. “Please,” he says, and Jin remembers he’s always seemed vocal through the walls of Jin’s bedroom. 

Jin creases his eyebrows. “Do you trust me?” He asks, and Yamapi looks at him through hooded eyes, weighing him. 

“Yes,” Pi says, and Jin smiles. He roots around in his bedside table, looking for his lube—bought for masturbatory purposes, but mostly untouched. He fumbles with the lid a little, and laughs at himself.

“I don’t really know what I’m doing,” he admits to Pi, giving him a wry smile. “I’ve never…”

“Me either,” Pi grunts, and his eyes are soft. They kiss again, and Pi’s hands rest on Jin’s hips, stroking his pelvic bones and making Jin’s cock ache with unsatisfied desire. Pi looks hesitant to touch Jin’s cock, but does it anyway, and Jin hisses at first contact. 

“You don’t have to,” Jin says quickly. “If it’s too weird right now, or…”

‘Bakanishi,” Pi says, taking Jin’s cock in hand and giving it a firm stroke. “Shut up.”

Pi watches warily, though, as Jin puts lube on three of his fingers. The wary eyes turn into shock as Jin rises up off of him a little, shrugging Pi’s hand off his shaft, and wriggles one of those fingers into himself.

Jin winces at the intrusion, and wonders how he must look to Pi right now, one finger thrusting in and out of himself in an attempt to stretch the hole wide enough for Pi’s rather large penis. 

Pi’s eyes are wide when Jin opens an eye to investigate. “You look…” his voice is deeper than Jin has ever heard it. “You look so hot right now.”

Jin flushes, but adds another finger.

When he finally slides, excruciatingly slow, down onto Pi, stretching and molding around him, Jin finally feels like everything is real.

When they both come, Jin’s cock splattering all over Pi’s chest and Yamapi arching into Jin so hard it burns, it feels like daybreak behind Jin’s eyelids. 

Yamapi pulls Jin down to him, and their chests are sticky with Jin’s cum. “Jin,” Pi whispers, “Jin, I love you.”

And there it is. The sun. 

***  
Yamapi stays with him for 3 days before he has to return to Japan. At the airport, they make out in the car, and it’s Jin who is staying behind. 

Jin is wearing a fedora and large sunglasses, and a thick red scarf to obscure his appearance. Yamapi just pulls up the hoods of his sweatshirt and his coat. 

“So, see you in February,” Jin says. “Sooner if I can.” 

Yamapi smiles. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

Jin laces their fingers together, and grins. “See you at our apartment.”

Pi smiles back.

***

Tegoshi calls and congratulates Jin on whatever he did to “drag Tomohisa kicking and screaming out of his bitch fit.”

Jin considers telling him he let Yamapi fuck him through the mattress for two and a half days, but reconsiders. “We talked stuff out,” he says instead.

“I’m glad,” Tegoshi responds. “You guys are best friends. It was weird to see you guys not getting along. I think Tomo-chan needs you, you know? He won’t say what you guys were fighting about, but I’m glad it’s over.”

“Me too,” Jin says. “Me too.”

***

Jin is reluctant to talk about his new relationship, because he doesn’t know if it’s a relationship or just a new aspect to their friendship or what. 

But he’s happy.

Dom notices, of course. “I guess it got worked out with your lady friend?”

“Lady friend?” Jin asks, before he remembers that as far as the world is concerned, he’s a heterosexual man. As far as his friends are concerned. As far as his family is concerned. “Um.”

Dom looks at him and raises an eyebrow. “You know, your love problems?”

“Yeah, um.” Jin knows he should just agree quickly, to avoid the uncomfortable questions sure to follow. But he can’t lie about Pi. Not about the most important thing in his life. Plus, Pi hates to be called a woman.

Dom has a look on his face like a cat that’s found a big juicy mouse asleep in front of him. “Or it’s not a lady friend at all?” 

“Shhhh!” Jin says, waving frantically, his face tomato red, for Dom to stop talking, even though they are alone in Jin’s loft. “Just…let’s get back to work.”

Laughing heartily, Dom drops the subject.

***

Jin is eating lunch with Ryo, when Ryo asks him about his ‘party ban’. “Dude, how long until you can come out with us again? You’re back in Japan for all of March and April, right?”

Jin ponders. Actually, he hasn’t missed partying that much. Jin thinks he might be getting old…It’s 2013 and he’s almost 29, and he wonders if middle age is creeping up on him and turning him into some tame version of himself unexpectedly, except 30 is far from middle age and maybe Jin is just becoming an even lazier version of himself. “I don’t know,” he responds, taking a bite out of his sandwich. 

“Ugh, it’s just so boring now,” Ryo complains. “Yamapi must be seeing someone regularly now, so he never drinks enough and goes home early. What’s up with that?”

Jin almost chokes on his sandwich. As it is, he bursts into hacking coughs, and Ryo slaps his back as he frantically gulps water. 

“Wait, you know something!” Ryo is gleeful, finally having gotten a lead on Yamapi’s mysterious behavior.

“No, I don’t know anything,” Jin denies, his face starting a slow burn. 

“You totally do! Why are you blushing?” Ryo is quick to notice, and his eyes narrow. “Are they loud in bed?” He’s leering now, and Jin thinks he might die.

Yamapi comes rushing into the restaurant, hair sloppily pulled from his face with a headband, and oversized aviators obscuring his face. “Sorry I’m late,” he says, and slides into the booth next to Jin, subtly leaning against him. Jin flushes even harder, and something clicks in Ryo’s head.

“Wait a minute,” he says, staring hard at the both of them. “Are you…?” 

Yamapi looks confused. “What’s up?”

Ryo looks more sure of himself now, as Pi grabs a chip off of Jin’s plate, and Jin subconsciously leans backward to give him space in case he wants a bite of Jin’s sandwich. “Jin’s letting you take his food. You guys are totally fucking.”

Yamapi pauses, a chip halfway to his mouth. Jin’s heart clenches in fear. They’d told no one of the change in their relationship, and it was never explicitly stated but Jin kind of thought it was a secret. And now, under the gaze of someone else, he didn’t know what Yamapi would do. Would Yamapi realize, all at once, what this was? Would he deny that Jin was…

“Ryo,” Yamapi growls, and pops the chip in his mouth. He slides his aviators off his face and folds them up on the table. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he says. “Jin and I are not fucking.”

Jin doesn’t know whether to be relieved or depressed. He hasn’t thought about their relationship as a dirty little secret—certainly something that shouldn’t be leaked to the press, but Jin didn’t really like the thought that even their closest friends…

Ryo relaxes a fraction, and takes a bite of his burger. “Yeah, I didn’t really—“

Yamapi slides his hand over to Jin’s, which is resting on the edge of the table, and links their fingers, visible to Ryo. Jin stares down in surprise and hope, which flutters like a tiny butterfly in his chest.

“We’re not fucking,” he repeats, “We’re DATING.”

And it’s Ryo’s turn to choke on his sandwich, gazing at them both with wide eyes as he slowly asphyxiates. “Breathe, stupid,” Jin mutters, and his face feels like it’s on fire with embarrassment, and no small amount of pleasure. He sneaks a glance at Yamapi, and Yamapi is looking straight at him, a smile in his eyes.

“Oh god, you’re gazing into each other’s eyes, this is so gay I could die,” Ryo groans, looking at them with horror. “You can’t both be in a relationship! This is awful.”

“Do you have a problem with it?” Yamapi asks, and his voice is like ice. Jin shivers. Ryo looks surprised, jolted out of his frantic murmuring by the cool tone of Pi’s voice. 

“Yes!” he says, and Pi stiffens. Jin runs his thumb soothingly back and forth across the back of Yamapi’s hand. “If you’re both dating, then only Shirota is left to be my wingman!” Ryo groans. “And he is the suckiest wingman EVER.” Ryo’s face is in a full pout. “He always takes all the girls with his beak and his stupid halfie powers.”

Yamapi relaxes suddenly, and throws his head back in a laugh. “Never change, you selfish prick.”

Ryo’s eyes narrow. “Not that I don’t have questions. When did you turn all gay and shit? Not that you weren’t gay together to start with, but when did you decide to make the gay official?” Ryo has an epiphany. “Hey, is this what you guys were all moody and depressed about? Because if you had just come and asked good ‘ole Uncle Ryo I could have told you guys you were gay for each other in 2004. Cause you were.”

Jin is all smiles, and thinks: Everything is going to be okay.

Yamapi is a solid presence beside him, and Jin can feel his warmth even through the thick sweaters they’re both wearing to fight off February’s chill. And as Jin leans his head on Pi’s shoulder, as Pi fends off Ryo’s questions, Jin knows that even his show at Budokan next week won’t compare to the thrill and adrenaline he feels when he realizes all over again that he and Yamapi have found each other.

Pi’s hand snakes around Jin’s waist, and Jin can feel a finger worm it’s way inside his sweater, seeking skin.

Pi draws the kanji for love against Jin’s hipbone, and it’s their secret.


End file.
